Saturday Ron and I decided to grab lunch at Jake’s on McKinney Ave. in Uptown. We have been there many times before. He ordered “The Works” which amounts to a heart attack on a poppy seed bun. I ordered “The Mushroom Swiss Burger” which amounts to very high cholesterol on a poppy seed bun. We like Jake’s. The burgers are great and the tea comes to the table already sweet by a pretty girl with low rise jeans (which shows off her tramp stamp*), and a low cut Jake’s t-shirt with overflowing boobs. As gay men we don’t go there for the scenery. So Saturday I was eating my burger thinking to myself “wow, this is one tasty burger!” About 3 hours later I started not to feel so hot. I felt like there was someone pressing really hard on my chest and eventually every time I swallowed I felt the need to vomit. I laid down around 3:30 or so, the pressure on my chest rising. I was fully dressed in sweats and socks and shirt and under the comforter. I was shaking and the need to hurl was almost too much to bear. I asked Ron to fetch me some 7Up™. This did the trick. I vomited for what seemed like forever. While the hamburger had digested the mushrooms decided to hang out and stay a while. Then the mushrooms decided to come back to say hello in full constitution. I returned back to bed, shaking still. This process continued for a while. Then I started sweating. Sweating like a whore in church. Then stuff started coming out the other end and that is all I am going to say about that. Anyway, by 11pm I started feeling a little better but probably because I was exhausted. I slept through the night and woke up Sunday and was so sore I could barely move. Ron, the sweet kind gentleman he is, lovingly bathed my back in Icy Hot™. So the rest of the day I smelled like a walking medicine cabinet and chilled on the sofa lying on a heating pad watching 5+ hours of Law & Order. My stomach is much better today. I am not saying to not eat at Jake’s because the food is really good. Next time I shall bypass the mushrooms. And I have determined that Jesse L. Martin is a one handsome black man.
*Tramp Stamp is a tattoo on the small of one’s back that is noticeable by wearing low rise jeans
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